The Askers and The Offerers
By Doe Zantamata author of KARMA and other books ,posters, and much more...
edited artwork and structure by FL/122013
Copyright © 2013 Iko Productions, Inc.
All rights reserved.
Perspective is a funny thing. We’re only ever given one...our own. In order to get another person’s perspective, really get it, you’d have to be born as them and have had every single experience, lesson, heard every word, and had every interaction they ever had from birth until the present moment. So the bad news is, it’s pretty much impossible. The good news is, it doesn’t matter.
This brings us to the Askers and the Offerers. Neither extreme can understand the other extreme. What motivates them, what they’re thinking, how they can live that way. But the other person is never in your control, nor should they be.
You and your actions are the only thing in your control, ever.
So first off, who are you?
1. Extreme offerer:
You are incredibly considerate and selfless. Often you are described as “too nice” but you take it as a compliment and carry on. You put your own needs last...dead last. You’d give your lung to someone who needed it if you could only figure out a way to get it to them. You give and give, not just until it hurts, but well after it hurts. You’ve ended a lot of relationships, work, friends, and romantic, feeling very disillusioned...very used. Some people just took and took without ever even thinking about what you may need or offering anything, any help, time, consideration, or even a “how are you?” Your way. Still you carry on, believing that this is how it should be.
The problem:
People treat you how you tell them to treat you. When someone is late, do you say, “It’s ok?” In trying to be nice, you’ve just told them is was OK to be late. You’ve just told them not to respect your time. Maybe you didn’t want to make a big deal out of something so small or you didn’t want them to feel bad, but if it happens 100 more times, will it still be OK? There’s an old teaching mantra...”What you allow, you encourage.” So even if you don’t make a big deal of it or yell “HOW DARE YOU BE LATE?!” You can still express your honest feelings so that they feel just a little pinch and will make a greater effort next time.
Giving. You looooove to give. But are you a good receiver? When people give you anything, do you tell them “You shouldn’t have” or “It’s too much” or “I feel bad that you got me this.” ? If yes, you are likely intending to be gracious but you’re actually ruining their moment. You know how you love to give? It feels good, right? To make people happy? Well if you reject their gifts, you’re denying them that feeling. Learn to receive and you’ll be giving them the great gift of being appreciated.
Resentment. If you give and give and give, you’re going to be creating selfish little monsters out of all the people in your life. Eventually, they’ll all seem to be totally inconsiderate and you’ll wonder how they could be that way. You may even think they’re narcissistic because they never seem to think of you. But early on...again, did you reject any acts of kindness or consideration?
The Solution:
Learn to ask. Learn to speak up. Be clear. Don’t hold any feelings inside. Every person on this earth needs something sometimes, no matter how independent they are. You know the Golden Rule? Do unto others as you’d have done to you? It works the other way, too....would you want someone to not tell you when they would like or need something from you that you’d actually love to give to them? Be it time, help, a shoulder to cry on...you’d want them to ask. Or if you’d offered, you’d want them to give you that chance to be there for them. So you need to do the same with all the people in your life.
Dont assume that anyone “should know” anything. Not too many people are psychics. It’s best to ask instead of assuming. People may have even said to you, “Why didn’t you just ask??” If you assume they should know and they didn’t, you’ll end up thinking less of them and probably not liking them as much. That’s not good. Communication rocks. It’s appreciated. Even if the words are tough to say.
If you’re decidedly not an Extreme Offerer, but some things sounded familiar, it could be that you are an
2. Over Offerer
Unlike the Extreme Offerer, you do have some boundaries. Boundaries are good! They help to keep you from being depleted.
The problem.
Over offerers don’t just give their all to everyone, but they do have a hard time with relationships that are really important to them. This is because when it’s dealing with someone they really love or someone they’re really interested in off the bat, they tend to overdo it. They aren’t really conscious of it, it happens naturally. A new relationship, a new job, they will do their best and be the most considerate person ever, and never ask for anything in return. This on the reflection end can cause some problems. For relationships, it will actually push away independent folks who feel it’s on the smothering side. So the only folks who will maintain an interest are the ones who naturally take a little (or a lot) more. After awhile, instead of appreciating what’s already been given, they may seek more from the over offerer. The over offerer will then pull back, feeling a bit shocked that after all they’ve done, more is expected. This leads to a roller coaster of relationship failures that all started out so wonderful and promising but ended up with a whole lot of grief. As if the two who entered into the relationship became two entirely different people by the end.
With long term friendships or acquaintances, this isn’t a problem. Things are equal and good. No one is overdone and no one is undone…though the friends may not be able to understand why their nice friend has so many problems in the relationship department.
This can also be a problem with a new job that the over offerer was really really excited to get. In the beginning of a working relationship, a bar is set. The over offerer is appreciative of the job and will always volunteer to do more, help more, and take on extra. Instead of becoming appreciated, this ends up being taken advantage of. Why ask a dozen people if they can stay late when the boss knows the over offerer will always say yes? It’s a time saver…but the over offerer may view it as not being appreciated or that they are being asked too much or not appreciated.
So overall, the over offerer has a lot more stability in life with relationships that do not really inspire their passion or that they’re not really motivated to do their absolute best in. Those other relationships and friendships may then face a whole lot of joy talk in the beginnings and woe is me at the endings of the over offerers life changes. And it really is an emotional roller coaster. But they won’t get off that ride until it’s recognized for what it is: they’re ultimately sabotaging what’s most exciting and important to them with a pattern that doesn’t serve them.
The solution.
Keep in in check. Learn patience. Relax. Deep breaths. Don’t get caught up in the excitement of that ride at the start. It’s good to be happy about something new. In fact it’s GREAT! But keep in mind that what you put out at the beginning is what will be expected throughout. Remember past relationships and how once you depleted yourself there was nothing left to give and yet the other person was tapping their foot expecting more. Set yourself up to succeed instead of to crash and burn. Temperance is a must. Go for the long haul rather than the short term and with your actions, think consciously if this is something you want to repeat for the next decade or not. Volunteer to do extra work, sure, sometimes. But not always. If you always volunteer, then unfortunately your time will become of less value to the boss because you give it up so readily. Same goes with relationships. Keep hold of your whole life and add the relationship to it. Don’t get swept away in a whirlwind no matter how much you like the person ---ESPECIALLY if you really like the person. Slow and steady wins the race.
3. Perfectly Balanced
Ahhh wouldn’t it be nice? To be so perfectly balanced that you could always ask for what you wanted or needed and always offer whenever you felt like it without feeling guilt or regret ever for either one?
Here’s the thing. “Perfectly Balanced” is not a point you’ll ever reach. And if by chance you do reach it for a second, something will then change and it won’t be perfect anymore.
But that’s not a bad thing.
If you play darts or bowl, you know how this works. Just because you know how to do it, no matter how good you are or how long you’ve been playing, you’ll never get to a point where you hit the bull’s eye or strike every single time. What you do is aim for it, and if you get it, great. If not, you compensate your next turn the other way in the opposite direction.
This is the same with asking and offering.
Let’s say you’ve just got an unfair parking ticket and you call a friend for someone to vent with and maybe get a little encouragement. You’re fully prepared to ask. But when that friend answers her phone she’s in tears because one of her relatives has just been diagnosed with cancer. You’ll immediately switch from being an asker to being an offerer. And this is a great thing. It doesn’t mean your needs won’t ever be met and it doesn’t mean she’s selfish for needing someone. It’s just how life works.
Or another example, if a wealthy friend calls you up and invites you to dinner but you just spent your last cent on repairing the furnace, you’re free to say, “Yes, I’d love to go, but I don’t have any money right now. Would you buy my dinner?” (Or could you lend me money, either way). If that friend were wealthy, you’d feel less anxious about asking this. That factor isn’t always going to be the same way. If that wealthy friend then fell upon hard times and called you up and said the same, you’d be less inclined to ask.
A very crucial thing to staying within balance is to never assume anything. Always communicate clearly with people. Otherwise, your offers may cause you resentment.
For example if your brother-in-law is always broke so you always just pay for him but then he says he’s buying a new truck, you may resent him for not paying his own way. But he may (sounds ridiculous but it’s true) have just got in the habit of you paying for him and thought you must be rich and or just love to buy his meals.
Or with time, if you offer your time to help another person or other people, anytime they ask, but then when you need someone’s time to help move or even to spend a day together and everyone’s busy…well you may have been a little too free with your time with them. Instead of getting upset, learn to make time for yourself and prioritize that. If something’s an emergency or a very special occasion, of course cancel on yourself, but don’t just drop everything all the time for anyone who asks. This will prevent resentment down the road, and will keep a sense of worth of your time to other people.
Life isn’t linear, so perfection isn’t possible.
There will be times in everyone’s life where they have more than enough time and or money or are doing very well emotionally and can offer others any excess to help them through. It’s in those times that askers can afford to be more considerate and begin to offer.
There are also going to be many times when illness, divorce, unemployment, or other things out of a person’s control will go on in their lives where they just can’t be there for others. It’s in those times they will have to ask for more. It’s in those times you will have to ask for more even if you’ve so far been an offerer.
Both are difficult because of a thing called habit. If it’s been a certain way for a long time and it changes, becoming more of an asker or more of an offerer will feel very awkward and unfamiliar. But the reward of learning to do these things is immeasurable. If you’re able to help another in your time of plenty, you’ve likely been able to change another person’s life for the better. If you need to ask for support, mental, emotional, or financial from another and they gladly say yes and are there for you, you’ll appreciate them and feel a deeper connection to them. And you’ll be the first person in line to be there for them when the time comes…as it will.
Staying aware of how you feel is the key here. If someone asks you for something or offers you something, you’ll get a ping on your intuition—a feeling inside. The more freely you can do both, the more in tune your intuition will become. It will feel like a relief when someone offers you help and you need it. It will feel good to offer someone else something when they do and you can. It will feel just fine to ask, and it will be a simple yes or no when someone else asks.
Communication and awareness. Keep those alive in every interaction. They will free you from anxiety, guilt, resentment, and all those other awful feelings that can arise when something is or isn’t asked for, offered or not offered.
A sidenote…what about those people who refuse when they can help and you’ve asked, and what about those who refuse help when you’ve offered and they do need it? You can’t control their reactions, you can only control your actions. If they aren’t willing to give or the others aren’t willing to receive, then it will likely divide your relationship. It’s too bad, but not everyone is ready to be that open. Being open requires vulnerability and trust, and for some, they’re still holding onto a lot of pain from when one or both of those things were severely damaged in the past. Likely not even by you at all. It will be up to them to realize that pain makes a lousy shield and prevents them from achieving those wonderful relationships that they would really love to have. If you feel you’re in that type of position with someone, be open about your feelings, but also be accepting if they determine they can’t do it right now. It’s their path. Encouragement is great, but over encouragement will only be perceived as forcing or controlling, and you don’t ever want to do that to a person. Just as you wouldn’t want that done to you.
4. Over Asker
Over asking is subjective. Most often, a person can be pretty well balanced but an Extreme Offerer will view them as being an Over Asker. Why is this? It’s a bit of envy. Extreme Offerers usually have a huge difficulty in asking for anything, so to them, it seems incredibly inconsiderate for someone to actually ask for anything that they were hoping would be offered to them. This can happen in the workplace quite often between employees. If there’s a person who asks for a holiday off, or asks for a raise, or any other perk, they are more likely to get it. To the eyes of their Extreme Offerer coworker, this is a slap in the face by the boss. “How could HE get that when I do so much more?!”
So first, to determine if you’re an Over Asker, you will have to be aware of other people’s views, but always consider the source. There may be a bias at play that has nothing to do with you.
The Problem:
In the daily minutia, the Over Asker is mostly pretty easy going and feels satisfied with him or herself and is unaware of any slight of other people’s feelings. For example at a restaurant…if the waiter asks “Booth or Table?” The Over Asker will answer based on their preference and not think it’s a big deal. And mostly it won’t be. And if there’s a person who is in the group who is severely claustrophobic and can’t stand booths, it will be up to them to speak up or suffer, because otherwise, the Over Asker won’t even notice.
In relationships, the Over Asker will find him or herself usually feeling quite good about relationships and the happiness level, but may be taken for a shock when accused of being inconsiderate or selfish. They may genuinely be totally unaware and need to know examples in order to see where they didn’t consider the other person’s feelings. Because they are used to just asking for things, the only response may be, “Well if you felt that way why didn’t you SAY something?!” Which in one sense is true. But in another sense, it’s placing blame on the other person whose intention was to be considerate of everyone. That’s a good person. So if you ever hear someone accuse you of being selfish or inconsiderate…look first beyond the emotion and the insult and ask and listen to what they’re talking about. If something has happened while you were unaware many times, chances are, their emotions have been bottled up and have grown to a larger proportion than they would have. If they cite tiny, little insignificant things, don’t shun those things as insignificant each on their own, but look at them on the whole and realize that over time, added up, they’ve left that person feeling unsatisfied and unloved.
The Solution:
Don’t change your freedom in asking and being upfront with what you want. That’s a good thing. But do become more aware of the types of people around you, and those who never ask for a thing…ask them. Consider them. Offer them things you think may help make their lives a little easier. Especially those most important to you like your parents or the nicest people you know. It could be that they do have needs, wants, and things they’d appreciate from you, but they care about you and your happiness more than they value “making a big deal” of any one little thing. But they will appreciate and hopefully take you up on your offers. And you will show them that you do value them, you do care about their wellbeing, and you do want them to know that they are loved and appreciated.
5. Extreme Asker
The problem.
These people can’t be happy. Seriously. They may be dubbed by armchair doctors (especially exes) as “Narcissistic” but who knows aside from a qualified doctor if that’s really the case or if they’re just unaware of the drama they cause by their demands.
The root of the Extreme Asker can be a few different things. One, they may have been a very spoiled child, especially if they were an only child. (**This does not apply to all only children…many are wonderful and considerate people**). This is because they grew up learning and believing that all their needs would be met and they didn’t have to consider the person meeting them. That person was fine. All they had to do was ask and it would be given.
Or it may be rooted in a troubled childhood in which the person never healed from feeling insignificant and unimportant. To compensate for this wound, they have to make sure everyone caters to them extra. That makes them somehow feel validated as being more special than everyone else. To be the same wouldn’t be good enough, and to be treated less than anyone else can send them into a rage.
Regardless of the root, they are demanding. They can find something wrong with just about anything and will not just ask but demand that things be changed to their liking or else not only them, but everyone, will be miserable.
They complain. If something isn’t addressed immediately, they can get very emotional very quickly and leap into a “how dare you?!” Mode of destruction. This pasta’s not cooked right, this dishwasher isn’t loaded right, this place is filthy, I’m not sitting in the Exit Row, I need a better price on this, your hair isn’t right.
They cause a dark cloud over the brightest day, and everyone’s path they cross is a little unhappier because of the interaction.
The solution.
It ultimately lies within them. The worst thing to do is to try to appease this person, as it will only encourage more of the same. They become a moving target. If you change, correct, fix, or create whatever they said they wanted, they’ll just find some more things to want. It’s only when they are not appeased that they may or may not realize what they’re doing and that it’s not making anything better, but instead, creating unnecessary misery.
If this is you, it’s going to be awfully difficult to recognize because a big part of it is believing you know more than anyone. But how happy and satisfied with each day are you? Think of the expressions on the faces of people you encounter during the day…are they distraught after speaking with you? Do you believe that for things to be done right, you have to do them or make sure they’re done right and check up on people who do them? Have you been accused of being controlling or been asked if anything is good enough for you? How often do you consider other people’s feelings or what they may or may not need? When is the last time you’ve asked someone how they are doing?
In the most extreme of the extremes where the root is an unhealed feeling of insignificance, counseling is probably the best route. In dealing with that core issue, the symptoms of Extreme Asking will lessen on their own. The need for the demands will cease to be. The reward will be better relationships, happier interactions with every single person they meet, and within, a peace and satisfaction with life that has never existed before. Wholeness.
So, there they are.
The most important thing to keep in mind is that you are only and ever responsible for you. If you are truly happy being an Over Offerer and never feel any sort of resentment towards another person for not thinking of you much, then don’t change. Do not change at all. Some people are wired that way and really wouldn’t be happier asking for anything because it would compromise their feeling of self-sufficiency.
The purpose of this outline isn’t to plunk anyone into a category and demand they change in order to be happy. You and only you can decide if you’re happy. If you read these and think in a different way about yourself or someone you know, that’s great, too. If you read about the Extreme Asker and recognize the symptoms in someone in your family, maybe it will help you to see that under that pain in the butt miserable person is just an incredibly insecure child in an unhealed adult’s body. Don’t feel so much compassion that you put up with it, but do understand that the root of it isn’t likely evil or intentionally making others upset even though that’s what it looks like from the outside. Maybe you can even reach that person by asking them about their childhood and suggesting a good counselor because their life is important enough to be whole and well.
When you think about people, remember too that most of us are about the same on the inside. If you’d grown up as them, gone through the same things and seen the same things, you may think the same way as them. And if you think differently now but can recognize how they think, and they can recognize how you think, you can be compatible. Just realize that different isn’t always wrong, it may just be different. If you’re an Over Offerer and your best friend is an Over Asker, think of what you can learn from each other. You can teach that person to be more considerate and they can teach you how to ask. It’s not about them changing to suit you or about you changing to suit them, but rather you both using your mutual respect for each other to help to develop the skills of consideration and asking within the other which will help you both in all of your other relationships, now and in the future.
Live in love,
Doe
Be sure to visit my blogs, with lots of inspirational posters and articles, all free for you to read at:
www.thehiyl.com My main blog. Articles, longer and shorter posters. Organized by category and more added weekly.
www.quotesaboutliving.com A preview of my “Happiness in Your Life” Book series, with quotes about Forgiveness, Self-Worth, Trust, Karma, Power, and more.
www.doezantamataquotes.com Short quotes and inspirational posters. Great for a little mood boost any time of day.
secret society thing...